I can feel something coming,
Something happy,
something gurgling,
Something I can hold in this space,
That is empty in my head.
He told me it makes no sense anymore, to keep on trying to love each other. With tears in his eyes he tells me to learn to live without him. Truth is, I can live without him, I’m alive regardless of his existence. Do I want to be? That is questionable, but I am and that is out of question. I am surviving, going through the motions, taking one breath and then another. Sleeping when the voices get too loud and dreaming of when we were together. I miss us. Not just the intense ‘I love yous’, not just your long heartfelt messages. I miss the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart when I make you smile, I miss listening to you breathe in the middle of the night. Long distance is hard, remember? When we first met I was glad that you exist. That there was one person in this world that was this amazing. I started off just being glad that you exist, in the same timeline as me, and to this day I swear to god, that is still what makes me happy.We’re both crazy, that is true, and I doubt I will ever find another like you, though I think it’s funny how neither of us ever planned to marry. You warned me about catching feelings, and I fell all the way in, lesson number 1: don’t tell me what to do. Because since then I’d only wake up to see your ‘good morning beautiful’s and to see you. Nothing else mattered to me, not what people thought, not what they said. I’d have fought the world a hundred times over, that is how much I cared. But long distance is hard, remember? We made it through two years, having held hands for a few hours, isn’t that a kind of poetry? I saw hope in the pain and you saw only pain, and for putting you through that, I am sorry. Maybe we weren’t ready, maybe we never would have been, I was naive enough to think that love is all that is necessary. Turns out, it isn’t. You can love someone to infinity and beyond and what you have could still turn toxic. You could ignore all the tears, and you could still turn toxic. I just wish we could have been more careful, and not turn around and panic. But long distance is hard, remember? We held on , with steely hooks even when we did not have time, even when it hurt to be together. We held on, because they told us we couldn’t. Lesson number two: don’t listen to them. I have no regrets for the last two years, I did not ‘make a mistake’ , I lived, and I was happy and for that you have my gratitude. You helped me realise that I am a person, that I do not simply exist to please others, you helped me grow from a little girl to a woman and this, I guess, was the final examination. You saw me when I could not see myself, and for that, I thank you. I am going through the motions, don’t worry. I wake up every day, I smile when I’m expected to, I do whatever they say, and I do not cry anymore. It will get okay, with time, it will be fine, you will learn to dull the ache and I’ll learn to live with mine.
I feel nothing anymore,
My head is scary still,
Its grey and placid , fervourless
Maybe it will hope again,
Maybe it never will.
I’ve been scared to write this, to put this feeling into words, I’m scared that when I finish you will become the past. But it is true that you will become a memory, someone I loved dearly. I do not know if I will ever allow myself to fall again so completely. But do not worry I will be okay, with time, we will be fine, you will learn to dull the pain, and I’ll learn to live with mine.
